Hi Skool is Hell
by Belladonna-Veilsin
Summary: Many who have had the experience will tell you: Hi Skool is Hell. And most of those people will have had friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends, teachers, SOMEONE to help them through this difficult period in their lives. I can tell you that a solitary walk through Hell is unimaginably worse. It's miserable, lonely, and you know the only person you can rely on is yourself. ZaDR
1. Chapter 1

**ZaDR! I've been on an IZ binge of late, and I started writing this as a result. Fairly smut-centric/hopefully smut-tastic. Starts a little slow and maybe OOC, but I feel it gets much better after that. I hope this pleases you. ^_^**

(-)

Many who are having or have had the experience will tell you: Hi Skool is Hell. And most of those people will have had friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends, teachers, SOMEONE to help them through this difficult period in their lives. I can tell you that a solitary walk through Hell is unimaginably worse. It's miserable, lonely, and you know the only person you can rely on is yourself. After a year or two of that, I'm not sure anyone could blame me for wanting a friend.

That was how it all started. I had been alone my whole life, always the "weird kid". Life had been dull and horrible, despite my efforts to chronicle the paranormal and pursue my own path. I was alone until he landed here and started attempting to destroy my planet. Suddenly, I had a purpose in life; a nemesis. Someone passionate to compete with; someone who stirred passion in me that I'd never felt before in my life. And as we both got older, he stirred passions in me that I'd never felt and that terrified me.

Zim actually got taller as we aged, which was strange since I was given to understand that "tallness" was a rare trait for his species. That being said, he was still short. While he was maybe a rose petal over 5', I was tall and lanky at 6' 1" or so. I had lean muscle that nobody knew about though: muscle gained by fighting Zim. Zim was the only person that really knew me at all.

One day while I was lying in a crumpled heap courtesy of some meat-heads (with so many bullies wandering around Hi Skool, I stopped remembering most names) I finally broke. It was weird; there was nothing unusual about that day. Maybe it was because Zim hadn't fought with me or made a move in months. So when I started crying suddenly, it was like a dam had cracked. I was lying on the landing of one of the less frequented stairwells sobbing and nearing hysteria when he appeared at the top of the stairs.

He descended, eyes fixed on me and said, "Dib-thing, I've never seen you leak like this before. A valve has been loosed and I can see an amazing amount of pressure pouring out. I haven't destroyed your planet yet so I don't know what your problem is."

I couldn't calm myself down. Like he said, I was letting off years and years of pent-up frustration and misery. I didn't want him to see me like this, didn't want him to see me at my weakest. But he didn't laugh at me and leave like I expected him to. After a few moments he sighed and sat down next to me, quickly shoving me into a sitting position as well. I was trembling and sobbing but I managed to remain sitting upright.

Some time passed and I started to lose the hysteria. I calmed even further when Zim started poking my ribs. His fingers were very pointy and I thought that the sudden dull pain helped to snap me out of crying. When I was finally calm and quiet -save the occasional post-cry hiccup- and Zim continued to jab me, I grabbed his wrist, not forcefully but the action itself had him pause and meet my eyes.

I wished that he didn't have to wear his disguise. I loved his round magenta orbs better than his pedestrian human contacts. But he was a little easier to read with human eyes. His pupils were wide as they took me in, prompting me to wonder if the contacts could translate and project his emotions exactly like a human's eyes did. Bigger pupils often indicated interest or attraction to what was being looked at.

I barely stopped myself from slapping my own head. It wasn't the time to being indulging thoughts like that. "Thanks," I said, dropping his wrist and looking away from him. My face felt warm and I only hoped he thought it was because he had seen me cry.

From the corner of my eye I saw Zim sit up straighter. "It is no problem, Earth-monkey. You're the best thing this spinning ball of filth has going for it but they've made you an outcast and a victim because of it. I know what that's like."

My heart was suddenly beating far too hard as, surprised, I looked back at him again. I felt a grin spreading on my face before a thought occurred to me. "You do?"

At his start, I immediately knew that Zim had revealed more than he wanted to. He stood, looking anxious, and shouted, "OF COURSE NOT! Now go wash your face before you go back to class, Dib-stink. You look pathetic."

He quickly went down the next flight of stairs and disappeared. That last comment might have hurt if I thought he meant it. But I could tell that he had been trying to redirect my attention with his usual bluster and insults so I wouldn't call him on his lie. But what did it mean if Zim did understand my position in the world? Was this what Zim's life was back on Irk?

(-)

Zim got very good at avoiding me the rest of the week. He took seats far away from mine in the classes we shared and he ran home before I could catch him and didn't leave his house after that. I didn't want to be blasted by gnome lasers or I would probably knock on his door. He had done wonders for my morale on that landing, but his avoidance of me now was depressing. I needed to interact with him, even if was just beating the shit out of each other over some "world hanging in the balance" struggle.

And when fighting for Earth had become an inconsequential possibility instead of a priority, I knew I was going downhill fast. Hi Skool and teenage hormones were doing a number on my resolve to defend humanity. Between heavy bullying and my obsession with Zim gaining another facet, I wasn't as motivated as I should have been to stop whatever new plans Zim might implement.

I had to visit Zim. I went to look in my dad's lab for something and nearly jumped out of my skin when he was actually there. Calming myself, I said, "Hey, Dad, is that Ultra-Mirror still down here?"

"It's over in the corner by those robot fish. Why, what do you need it for?" he asked absently.

I went and retrieved the mirror as I replied, "I have to fend off laser attacks from security lawn-gnomes."

"Oh, my hopeless, insane son," I heard my dad say with a sigh as I headed back up the stairs.

When I got to Zim's cul-de-sac, I took the sidewalk and stayed very close to the fence. I set down my bribe so it wouldn't get damaged, then, carefully, I held the Ultra-Mirror in front of me and stepped out until one of the gnomes closest to the fence was in sight. I grinned and waved and it shot at me. But the Ultra-Mirror sent its own blast right back at it and it exploded. In such a fashion I systematically eliminated all the gnomes. Then I retrieved my bribe, marched up to Zim's front door, and knocked.

I figured the destruction of the lawn-gnomes would have gotten Zim's attention, but the insane little robot, GIR, answered the door. His eyes flashed red and he said, "Intruder! You are not allowed here!"

Then the eyes went back to aqua and he grinned at me. "Hiya! Master doesn't want to see you. He told me 'forcefully eject' you if you came into the yard!"

Since his eyes were cool and he looked so happy to see me, I didn't feel very threatened. "But would _this_ change that? You can have it if you take me to Zim." I offered him the grease-soaked bag holding 6 tacos. I had brought them in case it was GIR who answered the door. He was actually pretty helpful to me, given food incentives.

GIR's eyes got wide and started brimming with tears. "I...I love you..." he said, somewhat reverently.

He took the bag and pulled me in the door, shutting it behind me. Then a side table on the wall rose up and we stood under it, the floor sinking as the hidden lift descended. "Master's been so sad since he was banished. I bet you'll cheer him up!" the robot squealed as he ate the first taco whole.

"Banished?"

"Again! Master is good at getting in trouble!" GIR continued cheerfully. A few bits of hamburger with sour cream landed on my jacket and I brushed it off.

"Banished again, huh?" I thought aloud. "Where was he banished to the first time?"

"He got sent to Foodcourtia. The Tallest didn't like the way he almost destroyed Irken civilization. My Master is good at destroying!" GIR shoved another taco in his mouth.

He was oddly helpful and coherent today. If he wasn't snarfing down tacos like a monster, I'd wonder if it was the same robot. But as long as I believed in miracles... "Can you tell me more about Foodcourtia and Zim's banishments?"

"Only if you dance with me!" GIR sing-songed, setting his remaining tacos aside and breaking into freestyle-insanity.

"Uh, sure." I awkwardly hopped and swayed and did a spin. This seemed to satisfy him because he stopped dancing and then so did I.

"Foodcourtia is a snacking planet. They have good Vort Dogs. And Master got banished there when he ruined Operation Impending Doom," GIR said, sounding so happy about it.

Again, if not for the inappropriate cheerfullness and dance request, I'd be really suspicious that this was just some oddly sane dream. "Why did they change their minds and send him to Earth?"

"Master quit being banished when he heard about the Great Assigning for Operation Impending Doom 2. When he talked to the Tallest, they thought he was so special they gave him a seeeeeeeeeeecret mission! And then they made MEEEEEE to give to him to help!" The decibels GIR's voice was reaching were semi-painful.

"He quit being banished? So Earth was a secret mission. And you...were custom-made for Zim?" They did seem oddly good together. Although they were almost always ineffective at their ultimate goals.

GIR giggled. "I was parts with other parts until they put me together and threw things inside me!"

That sounded haphazard and an appropriate creation myth for this odd little robot that stood beside me. I felt the lift slowing. We got out and GIR shoved another taco in his mouth. He led me to a door and pointed. I gripped the Ultra-Mirror in case Zim wasn't happy to see me, stepped so the door slid open, and walked through the door.

I don't know exactly what I was expecting to see, but it wasn't this. I wouldn't have suspected this in a million years. Zim sat in front of a wall of screens. Some had anatomical pictures of human reproductive organs, there was one that seemed to show a selection of Kama Sutras to read, there was a cartoon sex game with a girl touching herself, and I could count 3 screens of porn vids. One heterosexual, one gay, and one lesbian. He was watching the gay porn screen intently enough that he didn't notice my entrance. And, wow, did I feel wildly inappropriate for barging in here. And massively uncomfortable with the situation I had found myself in.

I did _not_ want to get his attention now that I saw what he was doing. But I also could _**not**_ stand behind him like this with all kinds of sexual material on display. I was already feeling warmer and inappropriate. I cleared my throat. It didn't distract him from the gay porn. The gasps and whines of the man being penetrated seemed louder than the other sex noises and I felt my pants getting tighter. No time for subtlety. "Zim!"

He spun around in his chair, disguise-free, and looked horrified to see me. "YOU! What are you doing in Zim's lab?!"

"Can you turn off your screens first? It's a little distracting!" I half-shouted.

The displays went dark but all the sex noises persisted. It was almost worse. The one man was begging to be fucked harder and a different guy was saying how he would pound some girl's pussy till she couldn't move. "Still kinda loud, Zim!" I shouted. I was trying to drown the noises out of my own head. I was getting harder and would be tenting very shortly if I wasn't careful.

Naked Gaz, naked Gaz, naked Gaz...Keef in a thong, Keef in a thong...Ms. Bitters in a bikini...! That last one killed every trace of desire I felt and I thought it might have eradicated a small portion of my soul as well. Zim finally turned the sounds off and marched up to me. When he grabbed me and pressed me into a wall I was very glad that I was calm and feeling a little too sick to be aroused.

"Tell me what you are doing here, you filthy hair-beast!" He was way too far into my personal space and he was obviously very upset with me. Whether it was because I had interrupted him or because he was embarrassed and angry that I had seen his "research" was beyond me.

"You've been avoiding me, Zim. I came over to see what you were up to. I really didn't think it would be that, though..." I glanced at the blank screens.

"Zim wishes to understand what it is that occupies all waking moments of a teenager's life!" he said dramatically.

I needed to switch topics because not even Ms. Bitters could keep me down with Zim this close to me talking about sex. When I had first had wet dreams about Zim, I was horrified. As they persisted and integrated into my masturbation fantasies against my will, I got more comfortable with the idea. By now I practically embraced it. But I knew that there was a better probability that I would get both struck by lightning _and _eaten by a shark than that Zim would have feelings for me. And he'd never give up trying to destroy the Earth, so nothing could happen anyway.

"Is GIR broken...or fixed? He was really coherent when I spoke to him today," I said, my chest aching at that last truth.

Zim narrowed his eyes at me. "I've been trying to stabilize GIR. So far the specific programming seems effective."

I coughed nervously. "Um, yeah. But you clarified information distribution before you fixed his highly questionable security protocols? I got in here with a bag of tacos and he probably told me way too much about you on the way down."

Zim growled. "That _horrible_ robot! What did he say, stink-pig?"

Swallowing, I tried to think of a lie. Zim would kill me. From what GIR said, Zim was a failure and a loser among his kind. "I know what that's like," he'd said. That's why. Zim wasn't any more popular with his people than I was with mine.

"Tell me the truth, Dib-stink, or I will lay eggs in your stomach!" Zim yelled.

And maybe it was because of his research and maybe it was because I was apparently a xenophile, but that sounded oddly sexual at that moment. Not necessarily attractive or arousing, but sexual. And when anything sexual mixes with a teenage boy, there is one most likely outcome. Add in that Zim was still pressing me into the wall and I didn't have a prayer of keeping it down.

Before Zim could really feel anything, I tried to get him to step away. "GIR told me about your banishments. He told me about Foodcourtia because of you ruining Operation Impending Doom. He didn't tell me about your second banishment, though from what I can gather you've likely been banished here, now."

Zim's face darkened with rage and he stepped back, still holding onto my shirt. His face was flushed with a really pure green, the kind you see labeled "Green" in Kindergarten classrooms. "Yo_u da_re speak to me about that?!"

"You asked!" I protested. "But am I right? You're not on a mission to invade/destroy Earth anymore?"

Zim was shaking with rage. I closed my eyes and waited for him to hit me. But then his hands let go. I opened my eyes and he had his back to me, hands on his face and still shaking. He was trying to stifle his sobs. When he started outright bawling I felt a harsh tug in my chest. "Zim, calm down; it's not that bad," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder and giving it a light squeeze.

I was ready for him to attack my hand; I was not ready for him to bite it. I yelped and withdrew, licking and sucking the blood off the wound. Of course as I did, it occurred to me that Zim's mouth had just been there. Second-hand kiss via bite wound? God, I needed professional help.

He was glaring at me, still half-turned away, and tears were running like waterfalls down his face. "It serves you right, Earth-filth. 'Not that bad'? I'm stuck on Earth with so man_y mindless lose_rs!"

"Hey, there are worse places to be. I read on data from Tak's ship that there's a planet called Blorch, Home of the Slaughtering Rat People," I said. "I imagine Blorch isn't a popular vacation destination."

Zim's lips trembled. "And it's already been destroyed! Even_ Skooge_ is a better Invader than I am!"

Well, that back-fired. "Well at least here you don't have to answer to those jerk leaders of yours, right? They've washed their hands of you so you can do what you like now!"

Zim looked at his gloved hands. "Zim is on no one's hands!"

I sighed. "It's an expression. It means they're done with you; want nothing to do with you."

And Zim started outright bawling again. Before he could protest, I turned him and pulled him into a hug, leaning down and willing to risk him going vampire and biting my neck. But he didn't. He held onto me like he'd go flying into the air if he didn't. His wet face pressed into my neck, and I loved the way his skin felt on mine. It was a different texture as well as different color. Something between silk and velvet. Which was interesting since he had no hair so velvet was an odd texture for his skin to have.

Something snake-like darted across my neck and I stiffened, both in posture and more specifically, my cock. Zim had just licked me. And there was no denying the erection that brought on. And Zim felt it, too. I could tell because his crying quickly died away and his grip loosened. We parted and I felt ridiculously awkward. I just hoped he wouldn't want to talk about it. He had all that research up, so he_ had_ to know what that was and what it meant.

He just looked at me, head tilting one way then the other in curiosity. I swore his eyes dropped from mine and looked downward in the quickest flash before he met my eyes again. I knew I was blushing, badly, and I had to get out of there.

"Well, I just came to see what you were up to, so I guess I'll go now," I said. I picked up my Ultra-Mirror, held it to hide my erection, and moved cautiously towards the exit.

There was a pause before he said, "Thank you, Dib-creature, for trying to comfort me."

I gave him a broad smile. "What are friends for?"

"Friends...?" Zim said, as if testing the word. I knew that he knew about friendship, his little interlude with Keef was proof of some vague comprehension. And, in retrospect, some of the anger that I felt that I thought was jealousy at Zim making a friend so easily when I, an Earthling, had no one, was in fact jealousy that Zim chose Keef and not me. So I'd been on my xenophilia beat for longer than I knew.

"Well, you helped me on the stairs...friends do those things for each other. They support each other. I don't suppose...you'd want to be friends with me? Now that you're staying and not trying to invade/destroy Earth, I think I'd really like to have you as a friend," I said, scuffing my toe on the floor shyly.

Zim looked shocked. "You want to be Zim's...friend?"

"Sure, why wouldn't I? And I spend all my time around you anyway, whether you know it or not." When I said it that way and factored in the xenophila, I felt like a huge creep.

A shrewd look came over Zim. "I will try this 'friendship' with you. But I make no promises as to my behavior; this hideous phenomenon is still very foreign to me."

"As long as we agree that friends don't destroy other friend's planets, I think I can handle it," I said, grinning at him. My heart was fluttering and all the positive interaction with Zim had my cock ready to explode. Still carefully positioning the Ultra-Mirror, I moved so the door opened and stood on the threshold. "I'll see you at school tomorrow, then."

I took the lift back up to Zim's living room, all my thoughts just making my erection more unbearable. When I arrived in the living room, GiIRwas on the sofa watching TV. When he spotted me, though, he dropped the remote and rubber piggy he'd been holding and dove at me. Him being his teeny robot self and me being my tall gangly self, he only made it as high as my waist. And he hugged me, wiggling his body this way and that in a way that should have been endearing. I know I should have been thankful he wasn't kicking me, but I needed him to stop moving like that. I was painfully aroused and it wouldn't take much to make me cum.

"Get off, GIR!" I said, backing away while trying to pull him off. Grip of steel, go figure. I heard the squeak of the rubber piggy as I stepped on it and fell onto my back.

Of course, with me on my back, GIR was now kneeling between my legs and he took note of what his chassis was rubbing up against. "What's this doooo?" he asked, and I felt insanely lucky that he didn't just grab and squeeze. He nudged my erection, petted it, and even poked my balls. I was biting my lip to stave off orgasm from a stupid robot. The first person to make me cum besides me was NOT going to be this crazy robot.

'It should be Zim,' I thought, which of course, didn't help.

"Damn you, Zim," I growled. I waited until GIR had let go to try a new angle of approach and I pushed him off and ran out of that house like it was radioactive. That little mission had gone sideways as soon as I got to Zim's lab.

(-)

I'd left the Ultra-Mirror at Zim's so I could only hope that Dad wouldn't need it anytime soon. I took a hot, relaxing shower as soon as I got home. Zim flooded all my thoughts as I stroked myself to orgasm. As I finished showering, I couldn't help but think that this was inevitable. Since the day he walked into our Graid Skool classroom, my world revolved around him. Even before I realized my feelings for him, and despite all my claims of wanting to see him on an autopsy table, I could never picture a future without him in it.

I got dried and dressed and turned on my computer to check footage from Zim's house from right after I left.

Zim walked into the living room and saw the Ultra-Mirror on the floor. He eyed GIR shrewdly. "GIR, where is the Dib-monkey?"

"He ran home screaming!" GIR squealed. "He was hiding something fun that he didn't want me to play with!"

I felt ill as Zim raised a brow at that. "Fun?"

"In his pants! He liked when I played with it, even though he told me not to. It was like a big, solid hot dog!"

Both of Zim's eyebrows went up and I wished someone would just kill me. "I thought the Diblet looked aroused when he left. I wonder what in particular triggered it..."

GIR looked thoughtful (disturbing), and then said, "Well, he did damn you when I was touching him."

I curled into a ball on my computer chair. That had to happen right after I asked him to be friends with me! I was pretty sure Zim knew now that I wanted more than his friendship. I paid attention to the screen again. "Now, GIR, it is very very bad to touch humans in that area. No wonder the Dib-creature was upset."

I held my breath. Was he really interpreting my damning of him as being caused by his mismanaging his dysfunctional robot? Maybe life was worth living after all.

They sat down to watch TV after that, and I turned off the feed. It was only 9 when I looked at the clock but I was already exhausted. I crawled into bed and passed out.

(-)

**Well, I'd love to know what you thought of this bit; the next chapter has Hi Skool shenanigans and some light smut. Any constructive feedback is appreciated; I'd compensate with rubber piggies if I could.**


	2. Chapter 2

**ZaDR! This chapter is more smutty and also has more friendship feels. Dib is a very-kinky xenophile, and I feel like it works for him. XD**

(-)

In the morning, I woke sweaty and sticky. I groaned. I had gotten to the point where if I masturbated at least once in the evening before I slept, I could avoid wet dreams vivid enough to make me cum. It seemed that was no longer the case. Now I needed a quick shower before school.

Showered, dressed, fed, and out the door; I was actually eager for Hi Skool for once. Of course, it was more accurate to say that I was eager to see Zim at Hi Skool. When I got to my first hour class, I saw that Zim had shifted his seat to right beside mine in the back left corner. He tensed as I came in. Most of the class hadn't arrived yet.

I sat down next to him and smiled. "Morning, Zim. Ready for mediocrity, boredom, and lies?"

Zim returned my smile, though he was a bit more hesitant. My stomach sank as I wondered if he'd come to a different conclusion about my statement. "Well, I do not look forward to it, no. I had planned to have conquered Earth by now but now I'm stuck here and have to finish this silly Hi Skool. At least I don't have to get a job when I get out of here."

That made me curious. I had always wondered where he got his money from. Something illegal no doubt. I didn't want to know. "Well you'll have to do something, Zim. A life spent brooding in your labs is no life at all."

He eyed me. "If it weren't so likely to expose me and if it didn't break a few books' worth of Irken law, I would start a company to compete with your father. But even the sniveling stink humans might catch on at how different and how much better my technology is."

So arrogant. But not entirely wrong. "I guess that makes sense, but I figure very few people would be able to come to proper conclusions. My people are pretty blind, as we both know. But now that you're banished here and can't just retreat back to Irk, we have to be more careful than that."

Zim gave me a sharp look. "'We'?"

I shrugged. "Friends help each other. Now that you aren't a threat to the planet, I'd much rather befriend you and help you hide than expose you. Think about it; what paranormal enthusiast wouldn't leap on the opportunity to be best friends with an alien?"

That made Zim grin. "I suppose I _am_ pretty incredible. I can't fault your enthusiasm."

I smiled back and just then noticed that the classroom had filled up and we were getting looks like a mustard stain on a bright white shirt. I met Zim's eyes, looked pointedly at our classmates, and rolled my eyes. I supposed we were two of the biggest freaks in school who were infamous for their rivalry but who now sat chatting amiably while sitting next to each other, but I didn't understand why anyone should care. It wasn't like we were plotting to take over the world. If we had been, we'd have drawn less attention and had fewer fucks thrown our way; I knew this based on empirical data.

Zim yawned and said in an overly-loud voice, "I wonder what food they spiked at lunch today. They sounded excited, must have been a popular menu item."

I tried to fight back a grin as our classmates stiffened and then turned back to the front. See, I was known to be a weak, freakish loser. Zim, on the other hand, was a mysterious, scary freak. His reputation usually carried more clout than mine; few people messed with Zim. Some very puzzling and disturbing occurrences to some bullies our freshman year were still clear in most students' heads. Even the lower grades had heard rumors about him.

"So, what will that leave the cautious people to eat today?" I asked Zim quietly, openly grinning at him.

"The basic Graid Skool throwback (or throw up); ketchup and rice," Zim replied, his grin bigger and more evil-looking than mine.

I was pleased that I had brought my lunch. Even the popular menu items were cafeteria food and so weren't very appetizing. Zim didn't eat our food anyway, at least never the cafeteria food. "Zim, I think we could have the beginnings of a beautiful friendship here. We certainly seem to do better together."

The teacher screamed for silence and that stopped our conversation cold. We didn't have much time to talk after class since we were headed for different ends of the building. We also didn't share third hour. We shared our forth hour/lunch, though. Gaz sat with her own friends now, so I had been even lonelier than Graid Skool. But now I could sit with Zim, and my heart was racing and soaring simultaneously. I sat down at his table, since it was established territory that no one went near. I had had no regular spot. I had just sat where there was room and resigned myself to the bullying of whoever was nearby. If I was lucky, I was just ignored.

"Hello, Dib-creature. I'm pleased to see that you're intact. It occurred to me that as your 'friend' I should probably take some measures to deter any stinking worm thugs from bothering you," Zim said casually.

"I appreciate the thought, Zim, but they'll never leave me alone. You're the scary one; I'm the huge target."

Zim considered me as I said that. "Zim has wondered for many many years why you don't defend yourself, let alone stand up and fight. You could bring most of the worms here to their knees in tears. Why don't you?"

I sighed. I wasn't sure I knew. To begin with, it was because Zim wanted to hurt humans, I wanted to protect them. Even if they hurt me. Now I supposed it was just habit. "My relationship with my peers has been like an abusive relationship in an academic setting rather than domestic. They hurt me, I get upset and heal, telling myself that everything is just fine as long as I can stop Zim. They're the humans I'm protecting, I can't hurt them. It would be counter-productive."

"Dib-monkey, you are crazy. Those worms hurt you when all you do is save them. That means they aren't worth saving. Especially since I'm not a threat you need to protect them from anymore, you should fight back," Zim said firmly.

I shrugged as I unpacked my lunch; assorted meats and cheeses sandwich, a banana, a bottle of apple juice, and some Swiss chocolates. I pushed the chocolates at Zim, who looked confusedly from the chocolates to me. "You like sweet things, right? You like snacks. That's very good chocolate for humans; hopefully it'll be up to your high Irken standards."

He smiled, not willing to meet my eyes. "Thank you, Diblet. I agree that our friendship promises good things."

I unwrapped my sandwich and started eating as he unwrapped the foil on one of the chocolates and took a small bite. I watched to see what the ruling was. He seemed to savor the taste before he swallowed. "Not bad. A bit primitively made, but tasty enough."

"I'm glad," I said after I swallowed another bite of sandwich. I opened up the juice and took a swig.

Torque, a former classmate and now bully extraordinaire, came up to our table. The cafeteria got very quiet besides the whispers in the air. "Hey, I need to borrow your girlfriend for a bit. We have some talking to do." The sea of whispers rose to an excited hum. I couldn't believe Torque would be so stupid. He didn't even wait until I was alone.

I sighed, reflex having me stuff the last of sandwich in my mouth and prepare to stand up. "Wait, Dib," Zim said, and I stayed seated. "First, he is male and cannot be a girlfriend. Maybe you should peek at an anatomy book sometime. Second, he is my Dib-friend, not my boyfriend. And third, any talking you need to do you can do here. It sounds like you're interested in him, if somewhat sexually confused, and I don't want my friend getting molested or raped."

My mouth dropped open, and I was glad I'd swallowed my sandwich. My heart beat very fast and my face heated up as I chanced a glance at Torque. His face was bright red with combined anger and embarrassment. The tables closest to ours had erupted with laughter when they heard Zim. It was being passed on because even tables on the other end of the room were laughing.

I didn't think Torque knew what he should do. On one hand, he'd started this confrontation with Zim here, so he had probably been trying to make a point. On the other hand, he had been here freshman year when those bullies were...whatever happened to them. There were enough gruesome rumors out there and I knew Zim well enough to know that at least one of them was true. They certainly all transferred out of school without ever being seen again.

"You think you're funny?" Torque demanded as the laughter quieted down.

Zim shrugged. "Often times. But your peers sure seem to think I am. You came here to prove that Dib is still your victim, your punching bag, correct? Well I'm not going to allow that to go on, and when push comes to shove, I don't think Dib will allow it any longer either."

Torque snorted. "That runt? We've been pounding him for years. He can't do anything."

That got Torque a wicked grin. "You really are _very_ good at making yourself out to be a rapist. Oh, you poor, hideous fool. For some reason, galaxies beyond my comprehension, Dib has taken your abuse quietly all these years instead of putting your in your place like he should have and most certainly could have. I don't think that's going to happen any more. I know I won't be quiet while he's made a victim. Zim has one friend, and nothing bad is will happen to him now. Anyone who feels otherwise is free to take it up with me. Try to hurt him, and I'll have to find a nice quiet place to take you for a calm talk."

There was no laughter now. In fact, we were sans-cricket stereotypical dead silence. Torque was clenching his fists until they were white and seemed to be biting his lip. "Now, if you are done with pointless posturing, was there something else or can Zim eat his chocolate?"

I thought Torque might explode. He was trembling and one of his eyes was twitching. "Not right now. Later."

Zim waved as Torque retreated. "Have a nice lunch! I really hope you aren't eating the pizza!"

His last remark had me snorting back a fit of laughter. Serious stuff had just happened and I felt rather giddy. I guess because I'd never had a friend like Zim before, or any friend, for that matter. I took a quick glance at tables around us and most people were foregoing their pizza in one manner or another; pushing the slice away, depositing it on their neighbor's head, and sprinting for the bathroom with their hands over their mouths. The power of suggestion was potent indeed.

"You will be a good Diblet and fight back now, won't you? He's going to come for you when I'm not there. It's a more effective message if you stand up for yourself although I _will_ get involved at some point when he moves on you," Zim said. He put another chocolate in his mouth and smiled in pleasure. I really wanted to eat _him_ up.

"I guess. It's just become a bad habit," I said.

"Just pretend that by beating you up, Torque is trying to take out humanity's only chance for survival. That should motivate you," Zim said with a shrug.

I grinned and chuckled at that. "I take back what I said before about our friendship." Zim's face fell and he looked at me, aghast. "Our friendship is going to be stunning and is already miraculous. 'Beautiful' kind of falls short as an adjective."

After a beat, Zim returned my grin. "You certainly are the best thing about this planet. It's almost tolerable to be banished here, with you."

I thought my heart had fluttered from my ribcage and was trying to go up my throat and out my mouth. I was uncomfortably aroused by his words and there were still far too many eyes on us for that to go unnoticed for long, if it got worse. Ms. Bitters sunbathing nude. My problem was solved.

"What was that grimace for?" Zim asked.

My cheeks heated up and I shrugged. "An odd thought, that's all. I don't even remember what it was now."

Zim shrugged in reply. "Eat your filthy Earth sustenance so we can leave. We can retreat to the roof for the rest of lunch like you usually do."

I blinked at him, surprised. I always checked to be sure I wasn't being followed when I went to hide up there. Then again, this was Zim. He probably hadn't kept as many tabs on me as I had on him, but then again, I was the creepy xenophile. I still kind of wondered how he would react if he discovered my feelings.

I slipped my apple juice bottle into my pocket and picked up my backpack and then my banana. "Let's go. I can eat on the way. We should probably be sure that Torque doesn't follow us."

Zim picked up the bag of chocolates doubtfully. "If I put these in my PAK, they'll probably melt."

"They'd melt in my pocket too," I agreed, but I took the bag and tucked it in an outside pocket of my backpack.

We both kept a sharp eye out for anyone who might be following us but saw no one. Once on the roof, we both relaxed. Until I tensed up at the realization that we were alone together which brought all kinds of bad thoughts to play.

"Diblet? Why are you upset?" Zim asked, coming up close behind me. And good thing too; I was starting to get hard again. I'd rather he didn't notice that.

"It's nothing," I said dismissively. I sat down with my legs in front of me, knees bent, and leaning forward onto my knees. Not the worst way to hide an erection.

Zim sat beside me and we were quiet for a bit, just watching clouds. Then he said, "Dib-friend, do you remember my research yesterday?"

Both my posture and my cock stiffened at the reminder. "Um, yeah."

"I was wondering if you would be willing to help me with it."

Painfully hard. "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you trying sexual experiments on me."

"Then not as a test subject. You could be a consultant. You're at the right age to have the right hormonal levels, so you could help me understand what is normal or desirable to young men," Zim said.

"Zim, you would _never_ accuse me of anything close to normalcy. I'd screw up your data."

Zim considered that. "But all data collection must begin somewhere. You're the most logical first choice, even if you are likely to be an outlier."

I swallowed and hoped my pants wouldn't explode. "What would you want from me?"

"You could help me review the research I've already done and provide insights," Zim said.

He wanted me to watch porn with him. I was nearly ready to start crying, I hurt so much. That sounded like the most bittersweet type of torture. And if he had any idea what he was doing to me right now, this had to be the weirdest and most sadistic come-on I'd heard of.

"Zim understands that hormones rule your body. Zim would never make fun of you or judge you, especially if you're just trying to help his science."

'Someone kill me.' I was insane as well as agonizingly aroused.

"Only if you teach me things about Irkens too," I said, before I'd actually thought it through.

Zim blinked at me. "You wish to know about Irken mating rituals?"

"And anatomy and whatever else. It's only fair," I said, looking over at him for the first time in a while.

Zim's cheeks were bright green and he looked shy and it was so adorable my pants had a countdown clock to explosion. "Zim agrees. We can exchange data and insights from our races. Can we start tonight?"

He wanted to start tonight. 10...9... My first Friday night hangout with Zim would consist of watching porn. "Only if we do other things too," I said, before I realized how that sounded. "I mean, friends hanging out or having sleepovers usually watch movies and play video games. We should do at least one other thing."

Zim looked intrigued. "Okay. This will help me obtain friendship data too." He was far too adorable. 8...7...

"Well, can you do me a favor and head to class before me? I'm not feeling so good and I think a minute of air by myself will help me feel better," I said. It was such a shitty excuse, but...6...5...

After a puzzled look, Zim nodded. "I will secure a desk next to yours. Will you be late? I can tell the teacher."

"Um, sure, that'd be great. Just please, I need some time to myself for a bit," I said, probably sounding desperate and rushed. 4...3...

Zim nodded again and got up and went to the door to the stairs, to my intense relief. It was embarrassing enough that I was going to jack off on the roof of the Skool, but having Zim catch/see me would be utterly humiliating. I heard him going down the stairs and rushed to be sure he was gone. A look through the window on the door proved that he was. 2...1...

I rushed to the opposite side of the little structure that sheltered the top of the stairs and pulled my pants and boxers down and all it took was grasping myself with his name drifting through my head and the bell rang as I came hard, nearly violently, and it felt incredible. I had wanted to be quiet but found myself groaning quite audibly. I couldn't help it; it was the most intense orgasm I'd ever experienced. Something about Zim made me hot and bothered quite literally like nothing else in this world.

As I came down, panting, I pulled my boxers and pants back up, making sure my fly was zipped. I continued to pant and recover until my legs felt more steady. I was a little shaky but mostly I was relieved and relaxed. I collected myself and went to head back downstairs before I was really late for class.

But blocking my way was Torque. I was sure I went pale...-er. I reminded myself that Zim expected me to fight back for once. "Your little 'alien' boyfriend calls me 'sexually confused' but as soon as he leaves and I come up, I find...this. Is your green freak not satisfying you?"

I kept as blank a face as possible and said nothing. I relaxed into a ready position, waiting for him to start. "Got nothing to say to defend that weirdo? He sure said a lot to defend you."

That made me feel ashamed for my lack of banter. "What you don't understand, Torque, is that you are nothing. You're not strong, you're not impressive, you're not important; you're nothing. My life goes on with or without you. So whatever you have to say about me or him is just so much worthless drivel."

That had got him to the point of explosion, only much faster than Zim had in the cafeteria. He tensed to strike and I dodged his first blow. Zim was right, this was way too easy. As I dodged I took hold of his wrist and twisted it back behind him. He yelled and tried to kick me but although I was certain I'd have a bruised ankle tomorrow, I kept a hold of him.

"You remember this game, Torque? As I recall, 'Uncle' was one of your favorites," I said, satisfaction rushing through me. He kicked my shin, then, and pain shot through me, forcing me to let him go. A quick swing of his fist to my face sent me to the ground, pain reverberating through me. He got in a kick to my stomach but I rolled away and onto my feet. I charged at him, sending his head to crack against the wall that surrounded the stairs. He dropped to the ground and didn't get up. I sighed and hoped my first real Hi Skool fight hadn't ended in manslaughter. I checked his pulse and it was fine. He was breathing normally. I looked at his head as much as possible without moving him, and I didn't see any outward trauma or blood.

I tried to calculate the likelihood of him dying if I just left him there. I didn't want to get in trouble and Zim was waiting for me in class. I picked up my bag, went down the stairs, and decided to take a detour. I pulled a flier off a bulletin board, took a pen from my bag and wrote in purposefully different handwriting, "Kid hurt on roof." I slipped it under the Nurse's Office's door and quickly walked away and turned a corner, heading to class.

Holding my stomach protectively could be explained by nausea, which I was developing, and any unbalance could be explained with dizziness or something. I walked in the classroom and immediately was the center of focus for everyone. My teacher, Mrs. Brizby, said, "Zim said you weren't feeling well. You don't look very well either, do you need to go home? I can write you a pass to the nurse."

I didn't want to go to the nurse's office now, that was for sure. "Thanks, Mrs. Brizby, I think I'll be okay. I was just really nauseous and dizzy. Must have been that pizza from lunch."

She frowned. "Do you have allergies? Because part of your face is swelling. I really think you should go see the nurse..."

I felt the side of my face and winced. Right, Torque got me there. "Oh, I lost my balance and fell onto the side of a stall but I didn't think I hit it that hard. That's weird."

Mrs. Brizby looked dubious but just indicated I should take my seat. I was lucky she was a nice teacher who wasn't overly nosy. Zim was staring intently at me as I went to sit next to him and he wasn't alone. But once Zim gave the rest of the class a sharp look, we were suddenly sitting peacefully in the back of class.

When Mrs. Brizby wasn't looking, Zim passed me a tablet the size of a small notepad. He pulled a stylus out of the one he was holding and started to write. 'Such puny lies, Dib-friend. What really happened?' Then the message popped up on my screen with no sound or vibration, thankfully.

I looked at mine and pulled a stylus out from the same place and wrote, 'Torque found me as soon as you left. He hit his head so I left an anonymous note for the nurse. Hopefully they can't trace it back to me.' As I sent the message I got a sick feeling. I had cum _a lot_ just before my fight with Torque. That was DNA evidence if this started looking criminal.

Zim was writing furiously. 'I warned that stink-pig what would happen if he tried to hurt you. Even if you are merciful, I am _not_.'

That scared me, especially when he had his PAK take the stylus and tablet then a second later he put a hand to his mouth and raised the other one. Mrs. Brizby acknowledged him. "Can I please be excused? I was warned about that pizza but nothing looked wrong with it. I regret such a foolish mistake."

She looked highly skeptical but just nodded and watched Zim rush out of the room. She glanced at me and continued the lesson.

On my way to our next class, I peeked in the nurse's office and saw no Torque. In fact, it looked like nothing had happened in there all day. The nurse practically had cobwebs. I felt sick and walked quickly towards the stairs to the roof. When there seemed to be no abnormal activity, I went to the roof, waiting to find Zim cackling maniacally over Torque's corpse. But Torque wasn't there. I glanced behind the little hut and found no cum anywhere. But if Zim was the one to come clean this up...

I forgot my concern for the bully and turned bright red. He knew why I wanted him to go to class before me now. There was no way he would overlook the obvious conclusion that it was a result of him! And I agreed to go watch porn with him tonight. I wasn't just a creepy frustrated xenophile, I was also the pinnacle of insanity.

I headed back to class quickly and got in just as the bell rang. Zim wasn't there. He wasn't in any classes for the rest of the day. I was ready to run to his house as the last bell rang but when I went to dump my books into my locker, there he was, waiting for me.

"Zim!" I hissed, working my combination frantically. "What did you do?"

"I made certain that no one could trace what we did back to you," Zim said with a casual shrug.

"'What _we_ did'?! What did _you_ do?" I demanded. I tossed my school books into my locker.

"Nothing lethal, I assure you. I knew you would be upset with me if I killed the _worm_," Zim growled.

"That's very little reassurance that I'm not involved in a homicide!"

Zim sighed and took one of my hands in both of his. "Dib-friend, I would not let them catch you and I did not kill the pig. That is all I can say."

Even though he wore his black rubber gloves as always, my hand felt warm under his. And just that had me stirring. Why would I ever agree to watch porn with him? I must have been a masochist. I was starting to doubt that this was all just the result of my regular attraction to him.

"Hey, Zim, do you put out pheromones or anything like that?" I asked.

Zim quickly dropped my hand and blushed. "Um, sometimes, why?"

Yeesh. How to answer _that_ loaded question? I didn't reply. "Dib-friend, if these pheromones have been...affecting you, it's nothing to be ashamed of. They're supposed to. I can't really control it, much as you can't control you hormones. You don't have to be embarrassed like...on the roof..."

Which 100% confirmed my suspicions that Zim had cleaned up my cum. So awkward. Now we were off to watch porn to add to the awkwardness. "I'm gonna stop and get some things at my house. Do you want to tag along or should I just meet you at your base?" I had decided not to address that roof issue yet. For my frail sliver of sanity's sake.

"I suppose your house is on the way to mine from here, so I might as well tag along," Zim said.

We left and started walking to my house. I was now noting that Zim smelled faintly sweet. Maybe because of his penchant for sweet things, I hadn't really given it much notice before. And yes, I felt warmer and more aroused as I smelled it.

We entered my house to find no Gaz and no Dad. Awesome. We went up to my room and only after I opened the door and turned on the light did I remember that there were copious amounts of evidence of my xenophilia displayed all over the walls. I had wallpapered my room with Zim.

"I know I'm a handsome fellow but this seems a little overboard," Zim said, chuckling a little weakly.

"Hey, when I hunt an alien, I hunt an alien. Can't have half-measures, even with surveillance."

Zim just nodded and wandered around my room. He picked up a shirt from the floor and examined it before he dropped it again. Upon peering into my closet he started fiddling with something. I was putting things in my bag; a few movies, my laptop, a change of clothes (in case tonight went downhill one way or another), one of my older but sturdier game systems along with a CD case full of games, and I slipped in a treat/surprise for Zim.

"Why haven't you recharged these yet?" Zim asked. I turned to see him brandishing one of my Spelldrives.

My mouth dropped open. "You can do that? You know how?"

Zim shrugged. "The technology makes it evident. Why make them if you can't recharge them?"

"We'll have to work on that sometime. I could have a smaller head!" I said, somewhat jokingly.

Zim frowned at me and turned to replace the Spelldrive in my closet. With his back to me, he said, "Despite all I've said over the years, I like your head as it is."

I grinned. He couldn't say that to my face. God, my stomach was fluttering wildly. We needed to start moving before I did something dumb. "I think I'm packed; any suggestions for things for me to bring?"

Zim considered for a moment before replying, "Do you have any sex toys or some physical pornography?"

If I had been drinking anything, I would have sprayed it all over him. Even sans-beverage, I spluttered before I managed to say, "NO! Of course not!"

Zim frowned. "I was given to understand that all teenage boys have a 'stash' and that one simply needed to look in a few common hiding places. I checked the closet; let's see what's under the bed."

Before I could shake off my shock he was rooting around under my bed, coming back out with a large shoebox. My eyes glazed in horror as he removed the lid and looked inside. "See, Dib-friend? Perfectly normal. Cock ring, dildo, anal beads, oooh; nipple clamps! You sure you don't want to bring any of that? I'd be perfectly fine if you wanted to use extra sexual aids."

Someone strike me dead right the fuck now. "NO! Zim, it's considered rude to root around a person's room, especially looking for things like sex toys!" I was really glad he found that box first and not the box with lots of odd Zim-look-alike hentai along with an old pair of his gloves. Don't ask.

"But we're friends, right? That means we're comfortable with each other, right?" Zim asked, looking like an earnest little puppy dog.

I sighed. "We're still new friends, Zim. Even if we're progressing very well so far, there are levels of comfort and trust. I'm not comfortable with you raiding my room for sex toys, as I'm sure you wouldn't be comfortable with me raiding your room for sex toys!"

Zim blushed as he put the lid back on the shoebox. "Actually, any of that would be in the lab." As I got bright red and developed a problem in my pants, Zim slid the box back under my bed. "And in respect of this new understanding of boundaries, I won't go through or ask about that other box that smells slightly familiar."

Death, enfold me within thy sweet embrace. "Well, now I need to go to the bathroom before we leave, so I'll be right back."

Zim protested, "But that defeats the purpose of your input!"

I turned to stare at him. "You say that like you want to watch me get hard and masturbate."

Zim blinked at me. "Zim told you that he valued your insight. Why would you think that wouldn't include a physical evaluation?"

I was so red I was ready to explode. "Zim! That's why I said I wasn't comfortable being having you do sexual experiments on me!"

Zim nodded. "Which is why I agree that my-hands-off/your-hands-on is the best compromise. I'm aware you have little to no control of your body when it comes to sexual needs and urges. Watching pornography would almost certainly stimulate you, given the right genre, and then you would need to relieve yourself. I merely wish to observe and take notes."

Death, launch me from a cannon into the pearly gates, just get me there YESTERDAY! I was horrified. That wasn't what I had thought I was agreeing to. "Zim, I don't think I can do this..."

"But you've already gotten hard in front of me. A few times. Now you just have to follow through while I'm here," Zim said, as if the logic was undeniable.

I groaned as his request just got me _way_ too hard. "You don't seem to understand that this is an embarrassing and humiliating idea! Zim, this is _not_ normal!"

"Neither are we," Zim said softly, the gentle look in his eyes breaking me inside. "What if Zim admitted that he was intensely interested in the Dib's sexual behaviors and would highly enjoy watching and noting anything the Dib would care to show him?"

Little green bastard played dirty. I was all but popping out of my pants and my fingers itched to free myself from the confines of my clothes. I wanted to start masturbating right there, with Zim's eyes trained on me.

"Please, Dib-friend?"

Dirty rotten adorable bastard. My hands were fumbling my pants open and Zim's eyes seemed to light as he watched. I took off my socks, shoes, and shirt, before continuing to rid myself of my pants and boxers. I was reasoning that if I could do this at all, I had the best chance of following through in familiar territory that I was already comfortable with. Zim was feasting visually on my naked self, his eyes wide and intent. He had that tablet and stylus out again and was scribbling things down. "Where do you usually masturbate?"

He would be the death of me. I awkwardly climbed onto my bed and lay back, trying to ignore the alien taking notes on me. In fact, the alien watching was likely to make me cum with embarrassing speed again. That sweet smell had gotten a little stronger and I fondled myself instinctively. I tried to bite back a groan but Zim saw and said, "Please make noises for Zim. They're important."

I whined at that and started stroking, unable to control myself any longer. I used my other hand to play with my tip, gasping and shaking as Zim delighted in the show. "Zim, you bastard," I gasped, and there was a surge of intense sweet smell that made my head swim and all that mattered was getting off. I was stroking frantically now, so close to achieving my orgasm. As I fell over the edge, I looked at Zim and wished he wasn't in his disguise. I trembled and gasped as I spurt cum all over myself. It felt incredible, and it topped the orgasm on the roof, as intense as that had been. The fact that Zim was watching me orgasm with rapt attention had something to do with it.

Fine tremors still ran through me as I stopped cumming. I was panting and looking at Zim through heavy eyelids. "That was so fucking weird," I breathed.

"But the Dib really enjoyed it. Maybe you're an exhibitionist?" Zim suggested.

"Maybe not," I said flatly. I didn't want him coercing me into doing this anywhere remotely public. Besides, it was just him that I liked watching me.

Zim's PAK had given him what looked like a little hand-held cordless vacuum. He glanced at me and asked, "Can I have the sample?"

I just groaned and nodded. Our friendship was stunning, alright, but right now it wasn't in a good way. He collected the sample and I felt surprisingly clean after he had. "Are you always going to manipulate me like this?" I asked, feeling tired.

Zim considered. "Is it a bad thing?"

I groaned, the rush of pleasure still lingering inside me was too strong to argue with. My eyes felt heavy and a yawn burst from me. Feeling cold, I tugged the covers onto me and shifted till I was on my side with my back to the wall. Zim was watching me, still scribbling, and I wasn't sure when I fell asleep.

(-)

**Dar be the second chapter, let me know what you think! Not sure when the third will be done, but I have so many IZ ZaDR feels these days...**


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